It was a short journey up the M1 to Northampton. We played Pure Garage on the ghetto blaster and drank cheap booze to get ready for the Halloween spectacular at the youngest Ford's twenty bedroom student house. At one point Mr Mulhern had a spot of road rage and raced a car that we thought were undercover coppers. Luckily they were not. It must have looked strange to passers by as they peered into our Ford Focus, four slightly pissed Mexican candy skulls rocking out to Artful Dodger on the fast lane of the motorway.
There was no contest in the best dressed at the do. Alice, as a Legoman, smashed the competition out of the water. Even a sexed up Queen of Hearts and Pit stop girl couldn't compete with the red tied classic toy that bounded into the kitchen. Even the cardboard box feet couldn't halter her triumphant rise to the top of the Halloween fancy dress league.
As the night went on, Jennifer's face remained perfectly painted while I sweated most of mine away. When it comes to organisation, working out tax refunds, tidying her bed, packing her suitcase or painting her head like a skull, Jennifer 'Anthea Turner' Ford is a cut above. She even wants our wedding to be sponsored by a chocolate bar in appreciation for her hero.
The middle Ford seems to be taking after her older sister in the perfect face painting stakes, looking effortlessly haunting in this picture. Mr Mulhern had trouble because of his ZZ Top beard so managed to look more like a panda than a skull.
The wine and the love was flowing as the evening went on. Apart from a rough bird with white powder dripping from her nose, who accused me of using my walking stick as a fashion statement and not a necessity, everyone seemed to be getting on. I spilt a beer over her mutton face and went and bought some rose tequilas to calm down. Jennifer practised a golf shot with my stick, perfectly breaking the bottom of Kate's wine glass, threw her Iphone across the bar and began dancing to the Halloween beats. It was getting messy.
The Legoman outfit was getting a lot of attention. Super Barbie turned green with envy and the skull candy people tried to beat him up. The crowds at the bar had all eyes on the large yellow toy, a pumpkin humped his leg and the bouncers tried to samba with him. Shame there was no prize for the best costume at MoMo................... because that coked up bitch who accused me of being a ponce would have won it for her whore outfit.
Then the love that was in the air got everyone hot under the collar. My face began dripping even more and my permed hair seemed to be getting frizzier as the hours shot by.
Jennifer preferred me with the Lego head on and kissed me for the first time of the night, and Kate and Ads began smooching in the corner. She was just warming him up for later that night when he would be sharing a bed with me. The next morning Mr Mulhern admitted that he found it almost impossible not to spoon me as I slept with my nose to the wall.
The hugging and the kissing was getting ridiculous. The little Ford was sandwiched between myself and Mr Mulhern, aka, Thomas the Wank Engine, and the Queen of Hearts and Super Barbie got a bit frisky on the dance floor. It was time to go home.
So we stopped off at the kebab shop; Jennifer nearly had a fight with a girl who was eating cucumber from my chips in pitta, and Adam got his balls out to lighten the situation. It didn't work. However, our cockney accents seemed to frighten the little blighters off, and the possible fight never happened.