Wednesday, 8 September 2010

We all want more from Vilamoura.

It was a blustery morning on Hollywood Way. Sixteen East Londoners were stirring and the teas were flowing. It was that time of year when the Brits would be boozing abroad. Showing their thongs and doing the worm on the empty streets of Vilamoura, arguing with locals and shitting on bathroom floors, eating four McDonald's a day and swearing at Asians selling pilled up toy donkeys. It was time for the English to hit the Algarve.

At 2am in Highams Park, Jason Barra turned up at the Ford residence looking like a fourteen year old rude boy. Blazoned across his chest were the words 'Drink, Drank, Drunk,' a quote that all twenty seven year old men should be proud to wear. To enhance the hoody, 'Raw to the Core' and a one fingered gesture was embroidered into the cotton. It was truly a spectacle to behold, those words would haunt us for the rest of the holiday.

On the other end of the scale was Mr Matthew Hornsby, stylist to the stars. He teamed a pair of washed jeggings with cream vintage tee, flowing cardigan and straw hat; a pair of dark brown deck shoes kept the fashionista on trend. Standing next to Jason, we could see the do's and do not's in one room. 'Effortless chic' and 'mug your nan creep'. (Love you Jay)

The flight went without a hitch. Kate slept for two and a half hours, only to stir every now and again to call Adam a dick, Jennifer dribbled on my cardigan, Matt and Joey drank Magners after Magners and I'm sure I saw Jason eat a McDonald's (from where he got, it I do not know)

Everyone was extremely pleased with the Villa. It had a lovely games room with a big screen that played soft porn all day and night, a massive pool where spunk could hide without fear of being noticed, two barbecues where food could be undercooked, plenty of bedrooms for Tash to nap in, a bath for Matt and Joey to splash around in, a kitchen for Jason to heat up his Big Mac in and plenty of wardrobe space for Lisa to put her twenty seven outfits in. The scene was set for a week of drinking, smoking and casual arguing.

So this is what me and Adam will end up with when we make honest women of the Ford girls. It really is quite a scary thought. But what can I say? With my leg and Adam's dodgy shoulder, knee and ankle, they'll probably be pushing us around Morrisons in our wheelchairs.

The 28th of August, Kate Susan Ford's birthday! We all turned up in OAP fancy dress, what are the chances of that happening? Joey obviously got the wrong invite, turning up looking like a middle aged German porn star. Mysterious screams of 'Yar, itz good, danka,' were heard from Matt and Joey's room at silly o'clock in the morning. The birthday girl and her pale looking boyfriend performed a rendition of the Glee anthem before hurling themselves into the pool, Jason picked up a drink, drank a hell of a lot and then got so drunk he had to go to bed clenching his stomach. The toilet seat and he got on very well for the rest of the holiday. Nicola got more jealous as the days went by.

I was having so much fun that I pissed myself (trying to keep in character) then disappeared at about 10.05pm. The day had took so much out of me that I had to go and watch a spot of Countdown, have a cup of tea and put my adult nappies on.

Joey lost hair, Kate gained hair. It was all getting a bit crazy. If the first night of proper drinking was anything to go by, the wealthy people of Vilamoura were in for a rough week.

The rest of the week involved the removal of underpants and flashing of bodily organs. Matt found a very drunk Peter Andre on our games room sofa and got his arse out. One evening I got very drunk and invented a party game that I'm sure you will all be playing at Christmas with your Nan and Grandad; 'Small cock, Small arse.' It involves getting your cock and arse out and singing 'small cock, small arse.' Genius. Another hot evening Adam got his cock out, and on the final night Tash got her arse out. It truly was a holiday of maturity and relaxation.

The constant over 40's porn was a crowd pleaser. Jennifer loved the feel of wrinkly nipples on her head and Matt tried to fist the screen. There were hormones flying all over the place (it must have been the spectacle of mine and Adam's private parts flapping in the wind all week)

Matt's arse got a real airing in Vilamoura. If it wasn't tucked into a tiny pair of swim shorts, it was on show for all to see. But with an arse like that I'd probably have it hanging out all the time as well, maybe even down the Birdcage, Chingford Mount (I hear there was a Miss Birdcage 2010 competition held there recently) Matt could have held his own.

Throwing away her old lady specs and Nora Batty tights, the middle Ford cut a fine figure all week (even the gay guys were thinking about turning)

Why is it that we love buying tacky shit on holiday? If you stuck a battery in a dead hamster and told me my niece would love it, I'd probably hand over five euros. And Mrs Barra didn't let us down with this yelping ginger puppy for her baby, Harvey. I bet Jason was more than pleased to have another annoying little thing in his house (but that's enough about Nicola) Even Charlotte got involved by trying to buy a dancing donkey off a jumped up little Asian man in the Irish pub. 'First you want to buy one, then your friends say you don't want to buy one' (he was getting angry at this point) Tash tried to stick her nose in, until.................... the smash downs of all smash downs. 'Why don't you just shuuuudddddd up.' He had joined the long list of holiday immortals who would never be forgotten. If you're reading this out there funny little Asian man, I want you to play at my wedding.

I believe Kate and I were laughing because David Brennan had just moaned about how people don't take him seriously. He was overheard saying 'I'm not just all muscles,' before jumping into the swimming pool and dancing under the waterfall topless.

A white rose between two red thorns. Mr Mulhern, looking VERY Irish, donned these hula dancing teeny weeny bottoms that were found in Matt sister's suntan shop (Matt's sister wo wo wo wo, Matt's sister wo wo wo wo, she likes a bit of...............) enough of that. Matthew has obviously hit the fake tan bottles all year round, and I believe that Mr Roper is constantly burnt due to putting in fireplaces across Chingford, dangerous job but someone has to do it.

Can you guess who's arse this is? Yes, Matthew Hornsby. With cheeks flowing out over the edges and sexy tribal tattoo framing his back, Mr Hornsby could be mistaken for a Christian Dior model (Joey may think differently) He has been crowned sexiest male of the week, by me, and that's all that matters.

Looking trim, with one massive arm (the man has been working out) Mr Mulhern has been named runner up in the sexiest male contest. Lack of tan in a bottle let him down.

Quote of the week comes from a certain Miss Steward, who is looking sexy in over sized 'Drink, Drank, Drunk' hoody (which should hit the stores Autumn/Winter 2022) As she lay by the swimming pool, she was overheard saying 'I like to be wearing a flower in my hair when I get out of the water so that people don't think I'm a lesbian.' For that, Miss Steward wins 'sexiest lesbian of the week'.

And now for the rest of the Vilamoura 2010 Awards, which will be given to the winners at the Obelisk, Chingford Mount on Dec 32nd of this year.

Miss Tasha Barra wins 'rear of the year' for her final night antics in which myself and Adam tapped her arse in front of amazed onlookers.

Charlotte scooped the 'I need to go on an adventure' award for never being able to sit still for longer than two minutes.

Kate Susan Ford wins the 'best video' award for girating in front of the camera whilst wearing old lady shoes and getting an arse spanking from a middle aged man in socks and sandals.

Mandy Miles wins 'Brit of the year' for actually dating an Australian person. Chris should be over the moon that he has captured a lady from his Motherland.

No biasty here. Jennifer wins the 'sexiest female' award for constantly looking amazing. End of.

I have given myself the 'most likely to be run over by a low flying plane' award because I probably will next week.

Joey wins 'husband of the year' for letting Matt get his cock and arse out at any occasion without fear of reprisal.

Nicola Barra wins 'wife of the year' for letting her husband eat four Mcdonalds a day without pointing out the health consequences.

As we know, Matt scooped 'sexiest male.'

Mr Roper won the Nelson Mandela 'patience of a saint' award for smiling at Charlotte whenever the ants in her pants kicked in.

Adam came second in the sexiest male competition, but also won the 'best Tom Jones impersonator' gong for his drunken karaoke rendition.

David Brennan picks up the 'Mr Universe' award and the 'worst punch' trophy for picking up 5 points at the arcade machine.

Tom Burgess is crowned 'Mr Bikini 2010' for filling Lisa's swimwear with a swagger that hasn't been seen for a long time.

Brisbane wins the Steve Irwin 'Man of all Men' award for his cricket swing, throwing technique and pool cue action.

Most of our evenings involved taxi rides down to the marina where we would eat steak, drink cheap wine and get hosed down with water by strange Portugeuse men. One night we gambled at the local casino; Adam lost fifty euros on red, Jason lost one hundred euros on black jack and Charlotte tried to get a lift home on a rich Russians yacht. It was a very successful evening.

Jason and I were beginning to fall in love. He was considering leaving Nicola but said he could never walk out on his toilet seat. I was upset but understood.

And then it happened. Mr Barra proposed on one knee. An Asian man selling dancing cows sold him the perfect engagement ring; it was plastic and lit up. My holiday had come to a dream ending.

So here is the motley crew that flew down to the Algarve on the 27th August 2010. However, it is missing the Ward brothers and Donna, who were all sorely missed. I for one am hoping that another trip is on the horizon, especially if David Brennan makes an appearance (I could feel a vibe)

And of course, I am forgetting one person; Jason Barra. He has officially been crowned the 'most loved Eastender 2010' for his 'drink, drank, drunk' hoody, his 'raw to the core' quote, his 'baby I sharted' song, his actual shitting on the floor when proclaiming 'I'm going mental tonight, I don't care if shit is running down my leg', and his four Mcdonalds a day habit. He truly made the holiday.

I can't wait for next year.
Spare Change guv'ner?

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